Insecurities
by BandsAnime
Summary: After Tokyo Ghoul re: ends, I guess. AU ending because Houji lives in this because reasons. Sorry for the crappy summary. NSFW and gets quite gaphic. You have been warned.


**DISCLAIMER: ALL OF MY WORKS ARE MERELY FANFICTION WHICH IS A FORM OF CREATIVE WRITING AND ARE ALWAYS SOME PERCENT OF AU.**

Seidou woke rather early that morning. The sun was barely up and Kousuke was still sleeping soundly, dead to the world. He wasn't sure why he'd gotten up at such a time but the first thing he noticed was that, despite the many blankets of the bed and his lover's warmth, it was cold. Frowning, he sat up and looked around, ignoring how much chillier it got as he searched for the reason.

The window was open and fresh snow could be seen on the window sill.

"Who left that open?" He muttered, shutting it quietly.

He quickly settled back down in the bed, bringing the blankets back up over them both. He wasn't going to disturb Kousuke anytime soon. God knows the man needed sleep. The CCG may only hunt down rogue Ghouls these days but with the small numbers, it was tiring work from what he could tell.

He watched his lover quietly, the only sounds escaping him coming from his soft breathing. Kousuke certainly looked younger and less worn down in sleep. The lines on his face were a lot softer and while there was still an on guard look to him, he looked far more peaceful than he ever did awake. Seidou enjoyed the sight immensely.

He rarely got to watch his lover sleep and nothing was more peaceful than when he did. It was as though time slipped away from him and all that he had to worry about was the moment he was stuck in. He didn't have to worry about his impending death or his continued existence as a Ghoul when he'd rather be dead.

It was a funny thought, actually. Nearly seven years ago, he'd broken down numerous times over the possibility of his death and now he was here, almost ready to welcome the sweet embrace of it. He'd experienced far too much in his short time on earth. Twenty-nine years and he'd watched people die right in front of his eyes, he'd been tortured to the brink of death only for his altered biology to save him at the last minute, and he'd killed more than he could remember simply because he'd been told to or he was starving. He could barely think about having eaten his parents without wanting to throw up.

The only reason he was holding on was because of Kousuke.

Said man stirred with a tired groan and Seidou sat up. He looked at his lover and nearly grimaced. He hated it when the man's dark brown eyes looked so tired and dull. It was like someone had stabbed him and was twisting the knife.

He smiled softly. "I'll make you some coffee, okay? Stay in bed."

He got out of said bed and left the room before he could get a response. He was lucky his partner would likely listen to him with how he was. Seidou hummed to himself and began down the stairs. He still felt like an intruder of sorts in Kousuke's house, like he didn't belong here at all. Shaking his head, he moved into the kitchen and began making the promised coffee.

He wasn't sure if his partner had to work today or not and the thought of him having to displeased him. The idiot was going to work himself into an early grave and he didn't want that. He wanted Kousuke to live a long life and die happy, not tired and overworked. He felt sure his presence didn't help either. Given what he was, he was unable to hold down a job and the CCG refused to hire actual Ghouls. He felt like a burden to the man.

Finishing the coffees, he lifted the mugs and headed back upstairs, moving carefully to not spill anything. He reached the bedroom without error and went over to the bed, setting Kousuke's mug down on the bedside table.

"Thank you." The man murmured.

He sipped his and climbed back into bed. Kousuke sat up with a deep sigh and grabbed his mug, quickly sipping the beverage.

"… Are you working today?" He asked tentatively.

To his displeasure, his lover nodded. "Yes but its just paperwork."

Just paperwork. He wasn't sure if Kousuke was even telling the truth. The man lied to him quite often lately, he'd noticed. It was just that his lover did it in a way that there was no way of telling whether he was or not. Seidou hated it.

"I'm not lying, I promise." Kousuke said.

He swallowed. "Can I actually trust you on that?"

"Yes." The man replied.

He bit his lip then sighed. "Okay."

His lover smiled and kissed him on the cheek. Damn him. Why did he have to do things that he knew made him all gooey eyed?

"You don't need to cook dinner tonight either." The man muttered in his ear.

"Why's that?" He asked, slightly alarmed.

Worry ran through him. He figured the only reason Kousuke put up with him was because he did all the house work and the other stuff the man simply didn't have time for or was too exhausted to do. If he didn't want him to do that anymore, what was the point of having him around?

"Hey, calm down." Kousuke said. "It's nothing bad, I promise."

He swallowed. His panic must have shown on his face.

"I was thinking we could skip dinner and have a little fun." The man whispered suggestively in his ear.

Shivers ran down his spine. "What kind of fun?"

"You'll see." The Investigator smiled.

He tried not to appear excited. If it was what he thought it was, he would need to eat before Kousuke got home.

"Excited?" The man teased.

Seidou drank his coffee nervously. His hands were shaking in anticipation as he waited for Kousuke to get home. It was not a good thing. Not to him, anyway. He grimaced as he realised his mug was empty and went to make more coffee when he heard the door open.

"Seidou, I'm home!" Kousuke declared.

He set his mug down and watched the man enter the lounge room after a moment.

"C'mere." The man grinned.

He got up and rushed over, leaping onto the man and kissing him as he felt his hands on his thighs. Kousuke deepened the kiss and he felt exhilarated. He was wanted. A little. It was better than being unwanted like Tatara told him he would be.

He was lucky that the kiss ended the moment he froze.

Kousuke's lips appeared on his neck, sucking avidly. "Fuck, it's been weeks."

It had been months, actually. Three months, two weeks and four days since there had been an indication of wanting him in any way. Seidou knew relying on another person to determine his value was stupid but it was how he was. He'd always been like that and it had gotten worse since his sister and his friends had shut him out of their lives. He could understand Seina's decision though. He'd eaten their parents for God's sake.

He noticed that they were moving and knew Kousuke was heading upstairs. The lights were all out which was good. He knew his lover wouldn't turn the bedroom light on which relieved him greatly. It meant the man wouldn't see how unsure he was.

He was placed on the bed and the light of a lamp graced the room.

He swallowed. "Lights on?"

"Am I not allowed to see you?"Kousuke smiled warmly, working on removing his more annoying clothes.

Who would want to see him? There was nothing special about him and… well, he was ugly. He hated the colour of his eyes and the heavy bags around them. He hated the sickly pale colouration of his skin, the deep bags under his eyes and the black colour of his lips which he knew were too fat. He looked like some sort of demented panda. His body was too awkward. His legs were too long and his butt was too disproportionate with the rest of him. And oh God, he was too skinny. Way too skinny. He could count his rips on a good day and his backbone was easily felt. Binging had done nothing to help him once he had been allowed to run rampant and he doubted it would do anything now.

"Seidou," Kousuke said worriedly. "Are you okay?"

He blinked, realising he had zoned out a bit. He'd made his lover worry. He hated doing that.

"Yeah," He lied. "I'm fine."

His partner sat on the bed beside him. "Please don't lie to me."

"You lie to me." He bit back before he could help himself.

Kousuke frowned. "I don't mean to. You know I'm responsible for managing more dangerous Ghouls. I can't avoid being told to go deal with one when the occasion arises."

Rationally, he knew that but… He couldn't help but wonder about what else he'd been lied to about. Did he even love him at all? Maybe it had been a mistake entering into a relationship with the man. Not maybe, it had been. There was no way that he loved him.

Seidou was a mess. He was just a ball of insanity and insensitivity mixed with an unlovable personality in general. It was no wonder that no one had ever loved him enough to stay, platonic or not. He was a terrible person.

"Hey, hey, hey, calm down. Don't cry," Kousuke began soothing suddenly. "Don't cry."

What…? Oh. He was crying. Again. He'd made himself cry once again for what felt like the hundredth time that day and the thousandth time that week.

Kousuke began wiping his tears away. "What's wrong, love?"

He burst into sobs. Love. How could he call him that? He had to be coddled like a small child constantly. Kousuke was more like an unpaid babysitter than a lover at this point. He numbly registered that he was being held and that a hand was rubbing his back as he was being rocked back and forth gently.

"Seidou, what's wrong?" Kousuke pushed. "Please talk to me. _Please_."

He hated that tone in the man's voice. It was full of self-blaming and guilt and God knows what else because he thought he'd done something wrong. It made his heart break when he was the reason he sounded like that.

He always was.

"Do you even love me anymore?" He blurted.

Oh dear God, he was on a roll today. Everything was coming out now.

"What's that supposed to mean?" Kousuke's voice was ice cold.

His grip felt tighter and more tense and he realised he wasn't being rocked anymore.

"Today's the first day you've called me love or any other sort of endearment for more than three months." He hissed, unable to stop now. "You only ever call me those things when you want sex lately. You're always so despondent and cold. You haven't held me in months and you're spending less and less time with me. I've hardly seen you during waking hours this past month."

"I've been working." His partner snapped. "You know that. Ungrateful brat."

He swallowed. That was what he really thought, huh?

"So me making you breakfast every morning and lunch every day for you is me being ungrateful?" He demanded. "I clean this goddamn house all the fucking time and I do your goddamn grocery shopping and all that other shit you don't have the time to do for whatever reason and I'm ungrateful? I try to make your life as easy as I can and even then I'm still a fucking burden to you."

He wanted to find a cave somewhere and curl up in it to die. He hated saying things like that out loud. It made him feel stupid and whiny.

"You think you're a burden?" Kousuke's voice was quite and full of that tone again.

"What else would I be? All I do is drink your coffee and waste y-" He started.

A soft, gentle kiss interrupted him. It was quick and chaste and it shut him up.

"Seidou, you could never be a burden." His lover said. "Never. I love you, you hear me? I love coming home and seeing you regardless of if you're awake or asleep. It makes my day so much better. And I wouldn't be able to sleep without you lying next to me. I don't care that you're drinking all my coffee and all that crap and I wouldn't care if you did nothing around here. Just the fact that you're here is enough for me. I love you more than I have the words to say and that's never going to change."

Seidou swallowed, looking up at him with a sniff. "Really?"

Kousuke smiled. "Really."

He felt like crying again. He'd been blowing things out of proportion like he usually did because he was too damn insecure.

"I'm sorry I'm so insecure about everything." He said.

"Don't be." His lover replied. "You can't help it. You've been told time and time again that you're not good enough by so many people… Seidou, you are more than good enough, I promise."

"I love you." He breathed. "I love you more than I thought myself capable of."

He never thought he'd be capable of loving anyone enough to stay with them through thick and thin. Even before he'd been tortured he never thought himself capable simply because he was so used to people leaving him even back then and he didn't want to put that much faith and trust in someone who was only going to walk away the moment he screwed something up.

And yet, his love for this man had held up for years no matter what damage it took.

"I'm sorry I've been neglecting you so much." Kousuke apologised. "And before you fight me on that, I know you. You need constant reassurance because you're scared you're going to be left behind again and that no one could possibly love you. I know how insecure you are and I should have realised. I am so, so sorry."

"I hate that I'm so insecure." He muttered. "It leads to pointless arguments over nothing just like this."

"It's not pointless if it knocks some sense into me." His lover said.

Seidou kissed him chastely and it deepened after a few seconds, becoming open mouthed but not involving tongue. He was glad he'd eaten. He'd forgotten how Kousuke tasted among other things. He'd forgotten how it drove him mad and made him want for more.

He shifted, pulling Kousuke down so that he was above him, and the kiss ended.

"Sure you don't want to just cuddle and bask in each other's presence? You look pretty upset still." His lover muttered.

"We can cuddle after." He smiled softly.

They kissed again. It soon involved tongue this time, not that it mattered. Any kiss he got from him was a treasure in his eyes. Every touch, every word… Everything. He was lucky to have him. Kousuke cared about him despite everything he'd done; despite the blood on his hands; despite the way he craved human flesh and blood… He cared.

"I love you." Kousuke muttered against his lips when they parted.

"I love you too." He breathed.

Dark eyes met his and he nearly melted. Kousuke's eyes were giving him a look of pure love and adoration and he couldn't take it.

"Can I take your clothes off?" The man asked.

He nodded, confused as to why such a question arose. Kousuke began unbuttoning the shirt he wore to bed and leant down, kissing the skin that he exposed as he went. He soon pushed it off him and Seidou moved enough for him to toss it from the bed. His boxers left his body after a few more moments.

Kousuke kissed him chastely for the briefest moment and began peppering kisses onto his face. He wondered what on earth the man was doing. This was odd, to say the least. Sure, they made love rather than fucked sometimes but Kousuke had never done this.

"Wŏ ài nĭ." His lover muttered.

What did that mean? He knew it was Chinese, at least. The man spoke it fluently due do his time in China but he himself knew very few words in it. This phrase was unfamiliar to him. He didn't mind. The language sounded beautiful falling from the lips of his lover. He could be calling him a cabbage for all he knew and he wouldn't care because it sounded so nice.

Kousuke's mouth moved to his neck, peppering kisses there too. He bared it after a moment, allowing the man as much access as he wanted. This felt nice. It was comforting and it seemed sweet in nature. He noticed Kousuke was muttering that phrase over and over again like some kind of mantra. He didn't mind. He loved the sound of his voice.

Seidou continued to let the man do as he pleased and was rolled onto his stomach gently after Kousuke had kissed what felt like every centimetre of skin that he could get his lips on on his front side. The man continued peppering kisses over his skin, still muttering words he didn't know the meaning of.

"Lóngzé." Kousuke practically moaned.

He knew what that meant. He'd heard it enough times in the right context to know. It was his name. Kousuke only used the Chinese version in intimate moments. He didn't know why but it didn't matter. It was a lot sexier in Chinese than Japanese for whatever reason. He enjoyed hearing it.

Sooner than he would have liked, Kousuke had finished kissing him everywhere. He heard some rustling of fabric and decided the man had to be removing his pants. He was turned onto his back and Kousuke was kissing him passionately before he knew what was happening. He moaned into the kiss, surprised by it but enjoying it.

Seidou felt the hands on him next. The big, warm hands that were calloused and rough but still made him feel loved. They moved over his body, gently caressing wherever they could get to. Once Kousuke had his fill of just simply touching, his hands turned to less innocent ideas and one wrapped around his aching cock, sliding up and down the length slowly. He whimpered at the contact, not having realised just how hard he was.

The kiss ended and he looked into the eyes of his lover again. God, how he loved those eyes. They were endless pools of liquid mercury that drew him in and he nearly drowned in their beauty.

"Je t'aime, He whispered. "Juge."

"Wŏ ài nĭ," Kousuke murmured. "Lóngzé."

It meant "I love you"? A stronger sense of warmth filled him and Seidou felt his cheeks flush.

Kousuke chuckled. "Nĭ hĕn piàoliang."

He didn't know what that meant either and he found he didn't care. They kissed chastely and Seidou finally moved his hands, running them over Kousuke's back before moving one to his crotch and wrapping around the thick length between the man's legs. He began stroking it slowly, matching Kousuke's rhythm, and they kept at it for a while, neither of them seeming to want to move onto more penetrative lovemaking.

"I want you inside me." He breathed after what felt like forever.

"Of course." Kousuke smiled softly.

The man shifted, grabbing the lube from the bedside table. They didn't exactly need it – he healed too quickly for any tearing to be a problem – but Kousuke insisted on using it simply to avoid hurting him. It made him feel all mushy and gooey on the inside, like some kind of lovesick puppy.

A finger coated in cold gel pressed against his entrance and teased it for a few moments before pushing in slowly. His lover paused once it was up to the second knuckle and began thrusting it in and out of him at a calm pace, slowing inching its way in further until it couldn't get deeper.

Seidou kissed Kousuke passionately. He was in love with this man, he knew that much. He was intoxicated and addicted and he knew he'd be dead before that ever changed. He couldn't imagine a life where he wasn't. It was as simple as that.

A second finger pressed in beside the first and was added just as gradually. He moaned softly as they brushed against his prostate but did nothing more, continuing to prepare him for what was to come. A third finger joined sooner rather than later and he realised that whilst Kousuke wanted to be slow and gentle and loving, he also just wanted to be inside him already.

He shared the sentiment entirely.

"You can stop now." He told him.

"You sure?" Kousuke asked.

He nodded. "Yes."

Kousuke removed the fingers and he watched the man coat his cock in lube before it even ventured near his entrance. It rubbed over it teasingly for a few moments before pressing in painstakingly slow. He gasped and held onto the man gently.

He always feared he would accidently break something.

The cock was soon sheathed inside him in its entirety. It made him feel full and it connected Kousuke and himself as one, even if it was only for a little while. It made him feel complete and content. He felt like he spent an age basking in the feeling before it was interrupted.

"Do you want me to move?" Kousuke asked.

"Mm?" He hummed.

"Do you want me to move? You have this blissful expression on your face." His lover told him.

He blinked owlishly. "I want you to move at some point. I just… I feel complete when we're like this, you know?"

"Yeah," The man breathed. "I get what you mean. Like two halves of a whole."

"Ying and yang." He muttered.

Kousuke kissed him gently before beginning to move, giving his thrusts a slow, gentle rhythm. Their kiss deepened and Seidou began rocking his hips in time with his lover's thrusts. Sex with him felt amazing of course but nothing compared to when they made love. Nothing. The sheer intimacy of it all made the sensations unbeatable and he felt like he could stay this way forever.

Lovemaking was a lot more passionate than people realised, he thought. Definitely more passionate. It was about two people becoming one for just a little while and sharing everything in every touch and kiss, every word. It wasn't just some five minute good time full of grunts and groans. It was what felt like forever of just making each other feel good, feel loved and wanted.

He loved having Kousuke's bare skin against his. There was nothing that separated them here. There was no fabric of a t-shirt or the thin layer of a condom. It was just skin on skin without any interference from anything else.

Seidou savoured these times with Kousuke. Where it was just them and it felt like nothing else existed. They were wondrous times where he could forget all about his insecurities and doubts and just be in love. He wished they happened more often but he didn't want to ask for too much.

The kiss ended and he watched his lover with half-lidded eyes.

Kousuke gave him a warm smile. "You can bite me, you know."

Shock ran through him. "What?"

"If you want to bite me for whatever reason, you can." His lover told him softly. "I don't mind… If it makes you feel more secure about everything. I'd never stop you from leaving a mark on me permanently."

The more Ghoul side of him felt strong joy and he didn't know why but… Something was missing from that equation. It didn't feel right if Kousuke wasn't going to be biting him.

"You have to bite me too." He told him.

"Oh?" The Investigator inquired.

"It just feels right." He breathed.

"Alright," The man smiled. "I'll bite you too."

He swallowed and licked Kousuke's neck hesitantly. He'd never bitten him before. He'd wanted to but he'd always refrained in fear he'd lose his carefully crafted control and hurt him irreversibly. He felt his lover's mouth at his neck and felt a little more courage pump through his veins. Throwing caution to the wind, Seidou bit into Kousuke's neck shallowly.

Blood exploded into his mouth and it tasted sweet. Sweet like strawberry jam on a pikelet on a summer afternoon but he felt no sense that he was going to lose control and relaxed. He became aware of Kousuke's teeth buried in his flesh and didn't bother to question how the man could even bite through his skin. It didn't matter.

What mattered was that they felt more complete than they had before.

He released his lover's tender flesh and felt the man do the same. There was bit of blood on his neck still so he licked it to clean the small mess up. That was better. His partner's neck was fine but for the bite mark that penetrated down to the flesh. He felt a little guilt at causing such a wound but it was overshadowed at how happy marking Kousuke made him.

"I actually broke skin." His lover said, shocked.

"I can ask someone about it tomorrow." He promised.

Kousuke swallowed then nodded. They started kissing again, focusing on their gentle lovemaking once again. It felt like years before they were pushed to their peaks and Kousuke released inside him with a soft whisper of his name and he climaxed with a moan of his lover's. He wished he had the ability to have children sometimes but he knew they didn't need any to be happy. They had each other and that was all that mattered.

His lover pulled out after a few moments and lay beside him. He cuddled into the man quickly, smiling in content as an arm wrapped around him, holding him close. The lamp went out after a moment and Kousuke kissed the top of his head.

"I love you more than I have the words to say." The man told him quietly.

"I love you more than I thought possible." He replied softly.

Kousuke gave him a chaste kiss and Seidou knew he couldn't be happier anywhere else.


End file.
